Harry Kewell has the leap of a small domestic dog, and is not as fast or good at football as he was in the early 2000s. His speed, height, technical ability will help ensure Liverpool come around seventh or eighth in 2014.

There are no media reports stating that Harry Kewell considers Anfield home and that he would relish the chance to return to Liverpool. Brendan Rodgers has never said anything about his desire to see Kewell return to Anfield.

Please bring £10 to my house. If you get off at Central Station and walk through the tunnel, you can put it under the mat at the front door. If we raise enough money together, I think we can definitely bring Harry Kewell back to Liverpool for real.

An impressive number of people have already pledged money to the cause, so what’s stopping you? I’m a fan of Liverpool, and so is my son. I don’t want him growing up in a world where Harry Kewell isn’t pulling his groin at a mid-table Premier League club. That’s unfair. An estimated 613 million people are fans of Harry Kewell, so that’s a lot of money if they all pledge £10. We can do this. Together.

Human hair grows everywhere on the body except for the soles of the feet and the palms of the hands, the lips, and the eyelids, apart from eyelashes. Like skin, hair is a stratified squamous, keratinized epithelium made of multi-layered, flat cells with overlying keratin (a protein), whose rope-like filaments provide structure and strength to the hair shaft.

Each strand of hair on the human body is at its own stage of development. Once the cycle is complete, it restarts and a new strand of hair begins to form. The average rate or speed of hair growth is about 1.25 centimeters or 0.5 inches per month, or about 15 centimeters or 6 inches per year.

But José Enrique doesn’t care for average rates or speeds. He’s a rulebreaker, a maverick, a renegade, a loose cannon, a rebel with a gun. He looks average hair growth speeds right in the eye and says, “Fuck you, I’m tearing up the book and going solo. I don’t need some faceless establishment telling me how fast I can grow my hair. I eat rates like you for breakfast. I only know how to do two things: play football at a level which would be considered above average, and grow my hair at simply offensive speeds. And I just finished playing football at my above-average skill level. I’m getting too old for this shit, but my hair isn’t. Here’s my badge and my gun. Take them – they don’t mean nothing to me. But take my hair? You’ll live to regret the day you were born.”

I don’t want to waste your time, so this should help you decide whether you want to go see A Good Day to Die Hard without having to read the rest of the review: there is a proper head-on-head collision towards the end of the film.

It takes balls, and at least one fist, to punch someone in the face, but to lay a nut on? There aren’t many men around willing to stick their head in when all of their other limbs are raring to go. It’s a great tribute to the history of unorthodox violence in the action genre, and is about as good as the film gets. 

When the people who make the Die Hard films said they were going to make another Die Hard film, I doubt that any Die Hard enthusiasts saw the massive casting coup coming. Bruce Willis, star of the first Die Hard, the second Die Hard, the third Die Hard and that one where the car is flipping towards him and he ducks and the car hits two other cars and he doesn’t get hit by the flipping car, was back. If the last few Die Hard films were anything to go by, this was definitely going to be a film.

It turns out that A Good Day to Die Hard is indeed a film, and one that leaves the audience asking some big questions. How old is Bruce Willis, really? No seriously, how old is he? Did he actually walk amongst the dinosaurs? Why is he in films from the 80s?

I want to help Bruce Willis. He looks tired, and I’m not so sure that that’s down to “good acting.” I think he’s tired of life as John McClane. He goes through this film looking as though he’s hoping one of those bullets hits him. It ruins nothing to say that one never does.

To the plot: a truck smashes through cars like a truck smashing through cars, there’s a helicopter, and Willis does that hilarious thing where he squints, smiles and wrinkles up his forehead when confronted by a troublesome situation. It would be unfair not to mention that he does that better than anyone else in Hollywood.

A Good Day to Die Hard has just about everything you’d expect of a Die Hard film – words, pictures, and sound, too. Willis almost didn’t say ‘Yippee ki-yay motherfucker”, but then he did, and everyone left the cinema content that they had seen a film that was almost exactly the same as every other Die Hard, except set in Russia.

Three-and-a-half stars.

– Max Grieve

England might be dead in a football sense, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be a bunch of football matches taking place sometime soon. There are eight teams in the draw for the Champions League quarter finals, and if we’re lucky we’ll see eight teams come out the other side. Here are my predictions. 

Bayern Munich v. Arsenal

Away pride counts double, so both teams go through to a two-legged playoff in the quarter finals at the expense of Malaga, the Spanish team that doesn’t have Cristiano Ronaldo or Messi. No, the other one.

Borussia Dortmund v. Galatasaray 

A matchup so crazy it just might work. Nounkeu? Weidenfeller? Who are these guys? It’s almost certainly going to happen, and if you say it isn’t then you’re a liar.

Barcelona v. Real Madrid

This match could finally take place. For how long can the universe keep these two apart?

Juventus v. Arsenal

Away pride counts double, and it’d be foolish of Arsene Wenger not to take this opportunity to put out two teams in the quarter final draw. I’d put money on this happening – just not my money.

Arsène Wenger has proved his doubters wrong once again with an emphatic defeat to Bayern München at the Emirates earlier tonight. Heading into the game as overwhelming favourites following an impressive run of form which included a brave loss to Champions League heavyweights Blackburn Rovers, Wenger defied the odds to oversee another outstanding Arsenal rout, with the North London club running out 1-3 losers. 

Wenger made it clear that his side were hungry to improve on a season that has already hit unexpected heights, with defeats in the third round of the League Cup and the fourth round of the FA Cup the result of years of forward-thinking by the ever-resourceful Frenchman. In conceding three away goals against arguably the second-best team in Europe, Arsenal have set up a truly mouth-watering decider at the Allianz Arena in two weeks’ time, giving them the opportunity to focus solely on winning the trophy they don’t give out for fourth place should they turn in another imposing performance. 

Understandably jubilant after the loss, Wenger was in no mood to speculate on the future. “Today we lose, yesterday we lose, and we might lose tomorrow,” said the manager. “I hope so – consistency is key in this game. Can we travel to Munich and lose? I think we can, but I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s talk about something else, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say.

Arsène Wenger addresses the English football media in a press conference.

“Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.”

- Max Grieve

[For those who live under rocks, or are rocks: The Onion Story]

“Let’s just say I’m innocent… OF BEING INNOCENT OF SHOOTING HER FOUR TIMES ON PURPOSE! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.”